If there’s anything I figured out in the last few months its that I really like writing, and not just blogs – stories and screenplays and several other things as well. I have been involved in the production of a film (screenplay writing, storyboarding, other stuff) which may or may not suck. However I did love working on it, which is a new feeling. Usually I don’t like working on most things (except writing and sometimes drawing) and as soon as the tiniest sign to stop comes along I’m one of the first to throw in the towel. Anyway, so I guess I will just send the rest of my days in a tired, sleepy, busy state just for the sake of job satisfaction and personal happiness. And then a guy will come along while I’m in my thirties (but I look much younger) and ruin everything by being all “you have to loosen up, hot thang”. The rest of the story will be in my memoirs.
Having said that, I planned to post one of my stories but unfortunately I had no time to sleep properly, let alone acquire the copyright on it this past week so that’s shitty for you.
I find that though I’m not terrible at acting and sometimes I don’t even mind my face in video, I much prefer the writing and other things I can easily do while sitting alone in my room, alone, without the company of too many people. I used to really like acting but its been a while since I let anything apart from close friends matter much to me at an emotional level, especially in front of other people. And acting involves becoming a person who does let things matter and making sure other people can see that it matters. It’s a very uncomfortable feeling. And rather sad when you consider the fact that I used to really like acting. Now I’m the very loaf of cynicism and a complete feelings hoarder. Ah, the tricks life plays on us.
While in many ways, these past few months, and especially the past few weeks have been like living my eighteen year old life, at least my attitude towards human company when it comes to work has remained the same. Or maybe I’m just temperamental and I require people who have the exact same or very nearly the same kind of work ethic in order to not lose my mind or my temper.
I have become a workaholic in the way I never dreamed I could be while I was slacking off, masturbating and generally avoiding all responsibility and extra work in law school. It may have a lot to do with the fact that it turns out I rather enjoy the process of making a movie, coming up with ways of visually shooting a story, of considering what the implications of shooting something a particular way is, or the kind of editing one would use. Film making is a lot of hard work, apparently. I don’t know how directors have lives, or sex, or anything. And I especially don’t know how they would do it if they also wrote and storyboarded. Simply watching one of the guys who owns the camera shooting the same scene again and again and again, from different angles, getting multiple shots for safety is tiring. So is doing the same lines, the same smile, the same expression over and over again, but its certainly easier than being the guy with the movie camera (hehe. Geddit?). I’m assuming this, considering the fact that I’ve never actually handled a camera professionally.
And yet I don’t actually mind doing it. It may turn out really crappy, and I will feel bad if it does, but it was my first experience with the camera, and I rather liked it. I may like the whole business of dark rooms, pencils and notepapers and journals more calming and up to my speed, but this has its own romance. Of making something that is so… visual. Like drawing, except with moving pictures (I wonder if anyone thought of it that way before? I am so. Funny.) and with real people and real lighting, and awfully real expressions.
I guess this is why people mooted in law school even though they may not win. It’s fun to do. Its interesting, and its new and I like it. It also makes my vocabulary next to a seven year old’s as is evident.
And yet, as always, there is a dark side to this tale of sunshine, butterflies and free love. I have rediscovered my control freak self when it comes to work. It was always around in college, but it only came out around fest time when I had to make people (men) practice our group dance (yes, that’s what I got scarily intense about in law school. Suddenly, everything comes into perspective, does it not?). When it comes to the film process, I’m worse. It turns out, I hate delegating. I highly suspect that if it were solely up to me I would personally supervise and overlook every single thing. Apparently, I’m of the school of thought that believes “If you want something done right, you do it yourself.” Even when someone else did something I made sure I read and reread and discussed like some kind of useless philosopher. And I really like doing it. I suspect I’ll like doing it even if I fail occasionally.
Still. It’s better than not working at all, right? Maybe I will become a movie trope. If rom-coms are anything to go by, sooner or later I’ll end up looking like Meg Ryan or Katherine Heigl. I could do worse.
P.S. – I wont be in Delhi next week and will finally be having vacation during these vacations, so no blog. Fuck you and your hopes for relieving some boredom by reading this blog next week.
Also, I’ll try and get the copyright thing done by next time so I can have stories as back ups.